Love and Logic: a response to disrespect

For years at Summers-Knoll we have used an approach to behavior issues with our students that has its roots in the Love and Logic approach. (You can find the Love and Logic web site here.) The essence of this approach lies in encouraging children to take responsibility, and therefore to grow into people who can manage themselves, hear constructive feedback, build on strengths and fearlessly address problems.

I was reminded of this today when a message came through my inbox from the Love and Logic people, talking about parenting children who sneer and roll their eyes at their loving mothers and fathers. It's a phase many children go through, a way of establishing their independence and proving, at least to themselves, that they are grown up enough to not have to listen to authority figures. However, it's a damaging way, and one that they deserve help to overcome.

Having heard several parents recently express frustration at this trend in their child's behavior, I thought it good to share some of the Love and Logic insights here. Enjoy. 

Does your child habitually sneer, roll their eyes, or make sounds resembling an alley cat trying to cough up a hairball? Does this happen just about every time you say or do something they dislike?
 
The danger in allowing this behavior is that actions shape beliefs and attitudes. Yep! If anyone acts annoyed or offended often enough, seeds of discontent and feelings of victimhood sprout in their hearts, leading to pervasive feelings of being tread upon.
 
Let their arrows miss the target.
 
Kids launch these emotional missiles in order to strike at the heart. Our greatest source of power against such attacks is showing that they don't get the desired result of anger, lectures, threats, or frustration. 
 
Expect mature expression of feelings.
 
Doing your best to remain calm, reply, "I will know that you are really maturing when you can share your feelings without giving dirty looks or huffing. If you feel something I do is unfair, we can have a mature discussion when both of us are calm."
 
Reinforce mature expression by listening with respect.
 
A great irony: When our kids are able to talk to us about how they feel, they are less likely to act these feelings out in nasty, disrespectful, or irresponsible ways. Listening means demonstrating we care about their opinions. It also means reinforcing healthy, mature expression of opinions and emotions. It's not about allowing them to run the home. It's about ending infantile drama in the home.
 
Provide empathy and consequences if the problem continues.
 
When this behavior has become seriously habitual, wise parents consistently apply a rather generic consequence: "I allow (or do) ____________________ as long as my energy is not being drained by dirty looks."
 
The key to rebuilding respect from our kids involves proving to them that we can handle them without getting frustrated or angry.